Some Reflections on Motherhood and Mothering, this Mother's Day

This is my first motherless Mother's Day. The first of many, if I'm fortunate enough to have a lot of years left as a mother myself.

Truth be told, my mom didn't have a lot of interest in what she called Hallmark Holidays, such as this one. So although it wasn't one we chose to make a big deal of during her life, it's still hard not to think of her, and all that mothering means when surrounded by everyone else's celebrations. I don't miss her more today, I just miss her.

In a recent conversation among friends, we discussed how sticky mother-daughter relationships can be. I imagine mother-son relationships can be tricky too, but there seems to be so much caught up in our relationships with our same sex parents. 

For their part, our mothers can want for us things we're not sure we want ourselves. The same style of parenting they expressed, if they felt it was right, or something really different, if they were discontent. For us to fulfill the dreams they couldn't, while avoiding the pitfalls that may have tripped them up. In my life it has been a challenge at times to know what was right for me, apart from what my mother felt was right.

For our part, we can forget that our mothers are people unto themselves, wholly separate from ourselves, with their own lives and paths to follow. When we were children, it was their responsibility to feed, cloth, and shelter us, to protect and love us unconditionally. Some of them were better at all of this than others, it's a big responsibility. Beyond that, they were/are still complete humans beings with their own wishes and dreams, some realized, some unfulfilled.

My mother did mothering full time for almost 40 years, since there are 18 years (and 2 sons)between me, the oldest, and my sister, the youngest. I wish I had had the opportunity to see her grow into the fullness that can come when intense, daily mothering is past. That was not to be. 

I am grateful, that in the last few years of her life, I was able to see her as more than just my mother. To recognize that she had her own destiny. To love her as a human being, sometimes struggling, sometimes thriving, without needing her to show up in any certain way that I perceived as how a mother should look. I wasn't perfect at this, but more and more I was able to just love her in her wholeness.

Today, on Mother's Day 2013, this is my wish for you:

If you've lost your mother, as I have, may you remember her with more love and joy, than grief and regret.

If you still have your mother, may you love and appreciate her for what she could and can give you, and respect her journey, sometimes along the same path as yours, but still uniquely her own.

And especially,If you are a mother yourself, maybe you embrace all the gifts of mothering from your own mother that fit into your own family, while simultaneously forging your own new trails into the areas that will nourish your family and your soul.

Happy Mother's Day

6 months later...reflections on the loss of my mother

6 months ago today, in the early morning, I sat with my mother, along with my father and siblings, as she drew her last breath and was still and at peace. She was 64 and lost her battle with cancer.

One would think 6 months should be enough time to at least to grasp the concept of loss. But it hasn't been for me, not really. It hits me periodically, like fresh news, "my mother is dead."

In 6 months I have learned that life continues to move on, doesn't really even slow down, when a loved one passes. I have learned that I am strong enough to keep showing up for my life, my family, my work and commitments, despite my grief. I never knew that about myself before. 

I have learned that I am part of a brotherhood and sisterhood of children who have lost their parents while both they and we are relatively young. It is a group of beautiful, compassionate people, but I wish I didn't count myself among their numbers.

In the moments surrounding her death, at times I stood outside myself and observed what beautiful people my father and siblings are.

I saw my father step into a place of beauty, strength, grace, and acceptance during the last days and hours of my mother's, his wife of 41 years', life. He, who had been in denial about her passing up until the last day, moved gracefully into a place of supporting her through this final transition, supporting each of us children through our intense grief, and handling the details of laying her to rest with honor. I think I have always been subtly aware of my father's quiet strength and dignity, but never the rich beauty of him, until now.

I saw my nearest brother in a place of sweetness and tenderness as he sat with and cared for my mother during her final weeks, days, moments. I have known my brother as fun, jovial, irreverent, intelligent, a bit scathing at times, but I not as this incredibly gentle soul.

I saw my baby brother, the one whose diapers I changed, who also wore my clothes when he was a toddler, move from a place of anger and denial to love, acceptance and sweetness with her. I saw him grow up before my eyes.

I saw my little sister, whose diapers I also changed, who used to paint our faces liberally with makeup, care for our mother tirelessly, with a grace, calmness and compassion that I can only aspire too at almost twice her age.
Perhaps my mother, who's love was always such a strong and clear presence in our lives, perhaps her final gift to us was step back and to give us to each other. 

I have learned much over these months, but mostly what I know is that I still want my mommy back.

Healthy to Meals 4, Braised Kielbasa with Kale

Here's another sausage and greens twist on Meal #3

Braised Kielbasa with Kale, found at here at Cookthink.com

We had some nitrate free Kielbasa in the freezer that Patrick picked up. Kielbasa isn't my favorite sausage, it tends to be too salty for me. Patrick is a salt lover and has really low blood pressure, so no worries with his salt consumption.

Not knowing what I wanted to do with it, but thinking that using some of the frozen Kale from our summer garden.....

would be a good thing :-) 

So I did what I always do in that situation and googled kielbasa and kale (how did I ever cook before the internet and google!), and found the above recipe.

It was fast and delicious. Both kids gobbled up both the sausage and the kale, which is a good success meter in my book. The kale absorbed some of the flavor from the sausage and got very tasty and tender.

Total prep time just a few minutes, and cooking time not much more!

Healthy Go to Meals 3, Sausage and Salad

A favorite quickie meal in our house is some good quality Sausage...think chicken with sundried tomatoes or a good polish sausage served with spicy mustard.

I try to keep a variety of good sausages in the freezer for work nights and other days where meal prep just isn't happening. Our meat CSA has some nice ones. 

When the grill isn't buried in a foot of snow (which, gloriously, it is currently), I prefer to grill them. When I can't, I roast them in the oven.

I serve with a salad or simple cooked vegetable such as steamed green beans or roasted asparagus. And wine, of course, is always a welcome edition

Healthy Go to Meals 2, Chicken with Lentils

Continuing with the theme of quick and healthy, here was another recent hit.

Chicken with Lentils, found at allrecipes.com. A good friend mentioned this meal on facebook months ago and it stuck with me, so I finally got around to finding a recipe.

Click here for the recipe

This recipe requires a bit of cooking time, but minimal prep work, just some quick chopping. It could probably be finished in a crockpot..I may try that next time. I especially love throwing something in the crockpot on a work day morning and coming home to dinner ready to go.

I served it with a green salad the night of Helena's school concert to my little family plus grandpa and auntie. It went over well.

Right Now 12/31/12

Right now, on this last day of 2012:

- I am breathing a little more easily now that the holiday rush is over

- I am contemplating 2013 and the changes I would like to make. I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions, but I do like to take time to take stock and make some adjustments. Now, as the light is returning and life is a bit calm, is a good time for that

- I am sitting between joy and grief and trying to reconcile the two

- I am looking at our pretty holiday tree for one of the last mornings and wishing I could have taken it in more. My heart is not as open as I would like it to be just now

- I am grateful for a good night's sleep with my teething daughter

- I am grateful to still be here, growing and learning even though it hurts sometimes

- I am grateful for the small people in my life who keep me grounded in the goodness and sweetness of it all

- I am learning to accept that loss is part of life

- I am imagining the garden that is ready to come to life in a few short months, despite being buried in all of this snow

- I am waiting for what is next and learning not to brace anymore

- I am deeply grateful for the quiet

wishing you rich joy in 2013

Healthy Go to Meals 1, Chicken Tenders & Roasted Brussel Sprouts

I love to cook. I really love to cook.  It has become a creative outlet for me.

But our life is full, and cooking with a one year old is haphazard at best. Some days she cruises happily around the kitchen as I prepare the evening's meal. On other days she hangs on me in meltdown mode, and what could be done in a short span of time can push dinner an hour or more later than desired.  Which can equal even more meltdowns, all the way around.

So I have been looking for beauty in simplicity, in the realm of cooking and menu planning. A recent success was this one:

Oven Fried Chicken Tenders & Roasted Brussel Sprouts

Both are fast and easy. I get antibiotic free Chicken Breasts at BJs. We try to be mostly local, organic meats, but chicken pieces like this are pricey, and this is a compromise I can live with.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. 

Slice chicken breasts into strips. Dip in milk, then in your favorite breading mix. I used buckwheat flour, salt, garlic powder and paprika. You can also use seasoned bread crumbs, or cracker crumbs.

Melt a couple of tablespoons of butter on a baking sheet in the warming oven. Place the breaded chicken strips onto the pan and bake for about 15 minutes on each side. I test for  temperature with a meat thermometer. Cooking time will vary depending on how thick you slice them. 

If you like them extra crispy, you can broil them for a few minutes on each side before removing from the oven.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts are hands down my favorite way to eat them. Rinse the sprouts and slice in half. Toss in olive oil and your favorite seasonings. I like minced garlic, salt and thyme. Roast for about 10 minute on each side, till they are browning and slightly crisp. Helena, my picky eater loves them this way.

I serve the chicken tenders with our favorite sauces. Barbeque, brown mustard mixed with Mayo, sometimes just ketchup.

I prepped this whole meal in about 30 minutes, including multiple interruptions from tired kids. Uninterrupted it takes about 10. 

What are some of your favorite, healthy go to meals?